Elizabeth Warren Takes DNA Test, finds out She’s a Republican.

Ari Krauss
3 min readOct 16, 2018

Yesterday Elizabeth Warren announced the results of a DNA test that said she was quite possibly MORE white than the average American. But I think we should have seen this coming a long way off, for the last few years she has used, what turns out to be, a trivial amount of her genetic makeup to gain power and privilege.

In medical terms: she tested positive for being a Republican.

One thing is for sure, she’s got a better shot at being welcomed into the GOP than the Cherokee Nation; she has less Native American heritage than a sorority girl on Halloween. Where’s that girl from Yale when you need her?

Speaking of Yale, or Harvard in this case, there is nothing more White Privilege than claiming some sort of fractional distant heritage solely for the purpose of gaining a teaching job at Harvard and other privileges? Would a member of any other party other than the GOP have the guts to publish a “family” recipe in a book titled, I kid you not, “Pow-Wow-Chow” that was plagiarized from the internet, to begin with? Would anyone other than a Republican be so unwilling to just give up or apologize for something that is clearly crazy and wrong? It’s a classic Trump move.

The article where she came out of the closet as not a native American was a breathtaking masterwork of prosaic slight of hand. What other editorial excuses could you possibly have for saying that her genetic makeup is “Overwhelmingly European” and then trying to sell you on some distant relative?

I’ll try that with the police next time: “But officer, I am overwhelmingly sober”

Perhaps it’s better she runs as a Republican anyway, considering that she came in fourth this week on a CNN poll about who Democrats prefer to run for 2020. She’d get major points just for disrespecting a minority group so consistently for so long. The Cherokee nation was not at all amused. They released a statement that amounted to asking the Senator from Massachusetts to politely stop doing victory rain dances.

Never mind that she was doing them in her own end zone.

Although when you look around at the latest crop of Democratic superstars, you start to think that Warren has something to stick around for. A new crop of Democratic candidates is showing that you can be a Democrat no matter who you are falsely claiming to be.

Beto O'Rourke running in Texas is a rich privileged white kid that once used his family’s influence to get out of a DUI. But he’s running against Democratic boogeyman Ted Cruz so they’ll let him pretend to be the cool millennial everyman. Look! He Skateboards!

In New York, you have the dynamic duo of Julia Salazar and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Salazar seems to have fabricated nearly her entire biography to check the kind of boxes that Democrats and Socialists like to see. Ocasio-Cortez, on the other hand, seems to have either fabricated her educational credentials or otherwise never attended class. She always sounds like someone who insists on raising her hand in class, even though she never did any of the reading and doesn’t even know what page we’re on.

Warren will likely stay on the blue side of the aisle for now. The Democrats seem to be willing to put up with just about anything for a win. The upside is that Warren has created a new bottom for identity politics. Now anyone can claim fractional heritage and point to her as an example.

Hell, I’m probably at least 1/23456 Korean, and from now on, that’s why I didn’t get into Harvard if anyone asks.

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Ari Krauss

An under appreciated, over caffeinated security analyst, news junkie, and writer.